SISTER SISTER
My little sister, Jamie, was instantly taken from this Earth on February 11th, 2022 at 1:41am, as a drunk driver blasted through a red light and t-boned them, directly where Jamie was sitting. This body of work shares a glimpse into the grieving process I have been going through since losing my sister. Sharing peeks into the stories and special memories I had with Jamie, sensations and visions from my meditation practice, and processing the big feelings that come after a sudden death - this body of work transmutes grief into color, emotions into movement, and vulnerably shares what it’s like to lose someone you love.
For the opening, I invited guests to add an offering to our community altar to honor a passed away loved one. This could be a small trinket, a handwritten note, a rock or crystal, a playing card, or anything that connects them to their spirit. The items remained on the altar throughout the exhibition and were buried afterwards.
SISTER SISTER was on view at the Paseo Arts & Creativity Center, in the Paseo Arts District from September 2nd - October 1st, 2022.
A curated playlist of songs that are inspired by Jamie, referenced in the several works from the exhibition, and songs that connect me with feelings of grief and loss.
I recommend listening to this playlist while you look at the exhibition.
This exhibition features 11 paintings and 11 written texts that accompany each piece.
“UNREAL”
36” H x 24” W
acrylic and colored pencil on canvas
No matter how much time has passed, it still feels so unreal. The phone call from my grandma at 6 A.M. that morning - the shock of hearing that it was Jamie who was in the car accident. That Jamie was the one that died. Instantly. Even now, months later it feels unreal. That our family had this tragedy and that Jamie was the one we lost. I keep asking “why Jamie??” Out of all of the people that could’ve died, why did it have to be Jamie.
Even after being the one who helped pack up Jamie’s belongings, seeing Jamie’s body at the funeral home, attending the funeral. Everything feels unreal.
“PAST PRESENT FUTURE”
60” H x 48” W
acrylic and colored pencil on canvas
“Losing Jamie felt like losing a part of my past, present, and future. It felt like losing a part of myself. So much of my childhood I don’t remember, but Jamie always did and would bring up memories and stories all the time and remind me. Now I’m afraid of what else I’ll forget - specific things about Jamie, our shared history, our unique stories that no one else quite understands. All the things I never shared with anyone else but Jamie. And now there won’t be any more memories together. We don’t get to figure things out and grow old together. We won’t be able to go on trips or celebrate any milestone birthdays or bury our parents together. There is no future together - just me and Jamie’s spirit.”
“ENDING ON LOVE”
60” H x 48” W
acrylic, colored pencil, and spray-paint on canvas
”After losing someone, you often think back to your last interaction with them. My little sister lived in Kansas City, so sadly I didn’t get to see them very often and especially so during the pandemic. A month before the accident, Jamie thankfully made one last trip to see everyone in Oklahoma. Growing up Jamie and I were very close and loved each other very deeply, but also got into the most intense, cutthroat fights. So as things go, this last visit ended up a little on the intense side. By the end of the visit Jamie and I were yelling at each other, deeply buried emotions were coming out, and things were not going well. We spent the next three weeks not speaking to each other. I wanted to fix things so badly. I spent several therapy sessions talking about this fight, thinking about how to resolve things with Jamie, deciding if I wanted to be the bigger person and apologize first. A week before Jamie’s death, I tried calling but they didn’t answer so I left a voicemail apologizing and saying that I loved them. They texted back immediately and said they loved me too, and wanted to video chat later that week. The time we set came and went and neither one of us made the call. Two days later Jamie died. And although we never had that video chat to make up - I do know that if it weren’t for that fight, I would not have spent almost a month focusing on how much I loved Jamie or how much I wanted to resolve things with Jamie. I wish things could’ve gone differently, but because of that big fight we didn’t end things with distance and tension, we ended things with love.”
“YOU CAN HOLD BOTH”
36” H x 24” W
acrylic and colored pencil on canvas
“You get to hold both, the light and the dark. I don’t think I fully understood death and loss until I lost my little sister. In one of my meditations, a spirit guide handed me a dark smooth oval stone that matched the dark black oval pool of water next to me. My guide said, “dive all the way in”, dive into the darkness of that pool and go to the bottom. But you don’t have to live there, he said. As I looked at my hand, I saw a shiny yellow star nestled next to the dark oval stone. A reminder that we get to hold both. Death and loss shows you how deep that dark pool really goes, it extends your capacity for darkness. And it shows you just how bright and life-giving the light can be too.”
“CREATIVITY RUNS IN
THE FAMILY”
24” H x 24” W
acrylic and colored pencil on canvas
”I don’t think I fully appreciated Jamie’s creativity until they died. But Jamie was so creative. And it makes sense, creativity runs in the family. Jamie was creative in how they expressed themselves, how they lived their life so authentically and unapologetically, in their endless creations that very few people truly saw and appreciated. Jamie made digital collage art, trippy TikTok videos, graphic design, paintings, drawings, and so many craft projects. When I was cleaning and packing Jamie’s personal belongings I became fully aware of just how creative and unique Jamie was and how much more they could’ve shared with this world if things had gone differently.”
“THE HOLE WHERE THEY USED TO BE”
24” H x 24” W
acrylic and colored pencil on canvas
”Grief is like realizing there’s now a big, painful, dark hole in your body where your loved one used to be. The grief circling through your everyday life, the sadness and emptiness you now carry with you as the weight of their death sets in. The reality that they are no longer here and nothing will really fill their place.”
“SOFT GOLDEN HUG”
24” H x 24” W
acrylic, colored pencil, and spray-paint on canvas
”Jamie came to me in a meditation, wrapping a fluffy, golden, warm light around my shoulders and snuggling up next to my neck. They were always so affectionate, always wanting to be close and love on their people. The last time they visited, Jamie laid on my couch with their head on my lap. I remember petting their soft blonde hair and feeling their closeness. This visit during my meditation felt like their way of telling me that they were still their happy, loving, warm self - that they are still here, just a little further away.”
“LIGHT BREAK”
24” H x 24” W
acrylic and colored pencil on canvas
”You don’t have to be sad forever. Sometimes you need a break, to feel the lightness again. Fresh flowers, sunshine, rainbows, the inherent optimism that birth and renewal brings. It’s okay to take a break from the heaviness of grief.”
COLLECTED
“FISHIN’ IN THE DARK”
60” H x 48” W
acrylic, colored pencil, and spray-paint on canvas
”From talking to Jamie’s ex-girlfriend and seeing the videos Jamie’s friends uploaded after the accident, I found out that one of Jamie’s favorite karaoke songs was “Fishin’ in the Dark” by the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. Jamie loved this song because it was the first concert my parents took us to see when we were young at Frontier City. I hadn’t thought about that memory or this song in years. Jamie however deeply loved and held on to this moment and other “good moments” from our childhood because they were so few and far between. Hearing this song and seeing Jamie sing to it in a crowded bar made me laugh and cry so hard. That was Jamie, sentimental, brave, quirky, and charismatic. Of course they had their entire crew knowing and singing this song with them every week during karaoke.
COLLECTED
“WRAPPED IN LOVE”
48” H x 60” W
acrylic and colored pencil on canvas
”This was the first painting I made after Jamie died. Like typical younger siblings, they always wanted to be close - like having a little shadow growing up. I knew after Jamie’s death, that Jamie wanted me to keep them close. I knew I wanted to keep them close to me in the studio too so I could invite them into what I’m making. When I finally sat down to paint, I imagined Jamie was there hanging out with me, helping me get back into it. They knew I didn’t want to paint but needed to do something with all the feelings. So we painted. Jamie’s favorite color was red and I could hear them say “where the hell is your red, Kate?” when I was digging around for my tube of cadmium red that I rarely use. Lots of Jamie colors in this one. And a yellow and white flower of course. Honestly I think this painting is Jamie’s way of letting everyone know that they are still close, still here, wrapping us in love.”
“LET IT ALL GO”
60” H x 48” W
acrylic, colored pencil, and spray-paint on canvas
”A few months ago I found out Jamie loved the band Rainbow Kitten Surprise and had seen them three times in concert. I laid in bed, crying, and listening to their most recent album, and I kept thinking “of course Jamie loved this band.” It felt like Jamie. The lyrics felt like Jamie’s life and listening to each song felt like hanging out with Jamie again and getting a peek into what they were feeling and thinking.
It’s like 2 A.M. and the bars all close at 10 in hell, that’s a rule I made.
Anyway you say you’re too busy saving everybody else to save yourself.
And you don’t want no help, oh well. That’s the story to tell.
Like you could let it all go, you could let it all go. You could let it all go.
It’s called freefall.
Cause aint shit free but falling out.
And that shit’s easy let me show you how, it’s like - Freefall, Rainbow Kitten Surprise”